For a long time I was the calm one. In arguments, in emergencies, at the office when a client account nearly imploded. People said it like a compliment. I took it as one.
Calm was a costume. Here is what was under it.
Underneath, I was not calm. I was just slow to show anything. The feeling still happened, on a delay, usually alone, usually later than it should have.
What the costume cost
Nobody around me learned that I got scared, or hurt, or genuinely angry, because I never let them see it in real time. They got a version of me that had already processed the feeling somewhere else, off camera.
Composure is not the same as honesty. One protects the room. The other protects the relationship.
I have started saying “that actually scares me” or “I am angry about this” in the moment, instead of three days later in a calmer voice. It is not comfortable. It is more true.
